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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Review of Killer on the Road By Charles O'Keefe @TheNLVampire @RoxanneRhoads #bewitchingbooktours




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The Newfoundland Vampire
Book II: Killer on the Road
Charles O'Keefe

Genre: Horror / Paranormal / Romance / Vampire

Publisher: Penumbra Publishing
Date of Publication: August 31, 2013

ISBN-10: 1938758293
ISBN-13: 978-1938758294
ASIN: B00EWTYM3G

Number of pages: 193
Word Count: 74,020

Cover Artist: Nils Dannemann

Amazon Amazon Kindle

Amazon UK BN

Book Description:

Joseph O'Reily is still adjusting to the lifestyle and the dangers that come with being a new vampire. He and Cassandra recently fought to the death with Cassandra's estranged husband John Snow, and now Joseph has experienced his first ménage a trios, as only a vampire can. As if all of this was not complicated enough, he and Cassandra have been tasked with hunting down and killing a rogue vampire, Donald Rathmore.

Another of John Snow's creations, Donald is an evil misogynistic killer in his own right. Donald has no interest in avenging his creator's death, but killing Cassandra is at the top of his list.

While Donald continues his murderous spree, Joseph and Cassandra always seem to be one step behind him. The chase is further complicated as they encounter other vampires and learn more about the mysterious nature of the Vampire Council and the coming war between good and evil.

Joseph is only now beginning to trust Cassandra, and this trust will be shaken when he discovers she has even more secrets than he imagined. Her idea of justice and morality is at complete odds with his own. Despite all his powers and growing skill, Joseph is tested physically as a vampire and emotionally by Cassandra. This time the answers and challenges may be too much for the young vampire to handle.



Prologue
My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean

Anne Bonny sat on the beach of Green Island, Hawaii, sipping a mai tai as she admired the view of the sunset. The sky began to turn crimson red, which helped dull the intense headache she suffered as a vampire up before dark.

She resided near what was thought to be an abandoned Coast Guard station, which secretly harbored her mansion underground and several paid servants and guards. Underneath a run-down airstrip lay a subterranean waterway where a submarine was docked. The submarine was used primarily for the human servants that needed to leave the island to fetch supplies or take vacations. The runway itself could still handle flight landings if a friend popped in for a visit.

Anne, like many vampires, was quite wealthy. Wise investments over enough time provided financial comfort that most well-to-do humans accumulated only through inheritance, corporate sharking, or a serendipitous blend of ideas, timing, and networking. The simple truth was, the duration of a human life was usually too short to build the financial stability to which most vampires were accustomed. Like most vampires, Anne chose not to flaunt her wealth. Going unnoticed made it easier to hide from humans. Peace and quiet was easy to obtain on a deserted island.

She had always loved tropical locations, and the Hawaiian Islands were so near the equator that the temperature almost never changed. She also loved sunsets so much that it was worth the suffering and slight risk of being out in the open before full dark. Green Island was primarily a bird sanctuary now, with the occasional monk seals that showed up on the beaches. Anne didn't hate animals, but she killed a few birds that had the audacity to crap on her head one afternoon. At night, her vampire presence kept them away. In case something happened to her human servants, she could call out to a seal for assistance.

She sang to herself, "My bonny lies over the ocean; my bonny lies over the sea..." She liked that song, even though it wasn't about her. As she sang and took another sip from her drink, she closed her eyes and grimaced in pain. This was a different kind of pain from that of a vampire out in the day. She knew that her estranged youngling John was in terrible danger and perhaps faced death. Despite the pain, she smiled and reclined easily on her lounger. "Serves the bastard right," she whispered to herself. "He was my biggest regret in life. His charms fooled me, and I made him one of us. It's time his life was brought to an end."

Anne sighed, feeling better as the sun dipped near the horizon. She thought of that spring day in 1834 Newfoundland. John was a handsome man who exuded charisma and confidence. A hundred and thirty years didn't seem so long ago. Time was relative when one was immortal. Still, she should have vetted John Snow and read his thoughts before turning him. But she was horny, hungry, and foolish. She not only bit him but kissed him afterwards with blood still on her lips. She didn't see the harm in turning a wealthy fisherman. She realized too late that he was married, and she vowed not to cause the destruction of his marriage. When she saw him shot and dropped into the ocean, she thought that was the end of him, but she was wrong once more. Fish, it seemed, didn't like the taste of vampires, and she learned that even a shot to the head and an injury to the brain would heal. Many years later, she heard of his rash actions, but didn't want to admit to the Council that she had caused the mess. Best let them deal with it in their own way.

Newfoundland had seemed like a good place for a pirate to go - Peter Easton, Black Bart, and George Fielding all had frequented the area in years gone by. She enjoyed her life as a pirate. She loved to capture booty, but didn't delight in slaughter.

Then she thought back to October, 1720, in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. She had been imprisoned there and convicted of piracy. Luckily she had dreamt of her own capture and had grown her belly in the two weeks prior, so as to appear pregnant. It was a simple matter then to 'plead the belly,' as it was known at the time, and receive a stay of execution. This stay gave her a chance to escape and resume her pirate career disguised as a man. By 1860, with Albert Hicks hung for piracy in the US, she knew it was time to stop. The world had changed, and she had to change with it. Riverboat gambling was easy money. She did enjoy being on the water and the attention men paid her.

Anne took another sip of her drink and concentrated. John was fortunate that the sun was about to set, and her powers were activated in time. A man in a white shirt and shorts came over to her. "Excuse me, mistress. May I get you another drink?"

Anne opened her eyes. "No, Charles, I'd like to be alone for a few minutes. Take away the glass and bring me my cell phone in a bit."

The man nodded. "As you wish." He took the glass and left.

Anne resumed her concentration, and John entered her mind fully. He thought to her, Anne. my dear, my own youngling Catherine and this motherfucker Joseph are about to kill me. If you ever cared for me, avenge my death. I am in Newfoundland, and I will give you my last images so you will know their faces.

Anne snorted and thought back, Go fuck yourself, John. I just wish you had died in 1834 instead of living this long. Anne received no reply, but did see through John's eyes at his moment of death. She saw a statue of Peter Pan, animals at his feet, and a lot of blood. She saw a woman with beautiful long, red curly hair who looked terribly wounded in her chest, and man who seemed to have been shot as he stabbed John with a sharpened wooden stick.

Anne gasped as her own chest hurt terribly for a second. And then she received one final thought from John. They are watching us.

Anne waited for the pain to fade and rubbed her chest right above her heart. She snorted again and grumbled to herself, "Tell me something I don't know."

With the sun gone down, she sat up and smiled, absently admiring her slim, athletic figure in her gold bikini. She tossed back her fiery red hair, kept straight at shoulder length. "My dear John," she said aloud, "your death, and these other vampires in Newfoundland, are enough to pique my interest."

The last remnants of the sun disappeared below the horizon, and Anne felt her senses fully come to life. She heard Charles' heartbeat and smelled the sweetness of his blood. As he approached, she stood and held out her hand for the phone. Charles said in his accustomed manner, "Are you hungry, mistress?" He passed her the phone and stretched his neck to one side.

Anne smiled. "Yes, Charles, you'll have the next few days off, as I will drain you deeply. Remember, until you pass out, that I liked to be fondled. I'll make certain Michael carries you to sickbay."

Charles nodded. "Of course, mistress. Thank you for choosing me tonight."

Anne took the phone and clipped in on the back of her bikini bottom. She took off Charles' shirt and sunk her teeth into his neck. He tasted lovely, with not a hint of drugs or alcohol, and had a pleasant taste of cinnamon in his blood. She also enjoyed his ministrations, but she became more excited at the thought of sex with another vampire. It had been too long since she'd enjoyed the company of others of her kind. Any vampire capable of destroying John must be worth my interest.

She drained Charles until his heartbeat started to slow and he drifted into unconsciousness. Anne cared for her servants, the way a pet owner cared for her animals, and she laid him gently on the sand. She took the cell phone out and punched in the mansion number. She didn't allow time for a greeting but simply stated, "Have a boat waiting on the southeastern end of Midway Island. I'll whistle loudly. Also, prepare the sub and head off for Honolulu. I'll be there in a few days. Make sure it has my weapons on board. Oh, and send Michael down to take Charles to sickbay. He'll need a few days off."

The reply came instantly. "Of course, mistress, right away."

Anne tucked the cell phone into Charles' right front pocket and, after a brief glance at the first stars that came into view, dived into the ocean. The water was warm against her cool skin. She could easily swim in the Arctic and break through ice if necessary, but this was much more pleasant. Fish, dolphins, sharks and the occasional whale all moved out of her way as she cut through the water like a knife. She had been an excellent swimmer as a human, and when she was turned, her swimming speed and skill reached legendary levels. She could easily swim thirty kilometers an hour at night and go for eight to ten hours with a belly full of blood. Like all vampires, she had an uncanny sense of direction and knew she was headed for Midway Island. She planned to reach it just before sunrise. Perhaps, when she got to Newfoundland, she would find a new companion or at least some friends. John had created Catherine, after all, and she did at least owe her an apology. She wondered if this Joseph had experienced a blood embrace. In any case, he had not done it with her.

It would take her weeks to get there this way, but she was in no rush. Anticipation was a wonderful thing, and time was certainly on her side.



My Review:

I received a free copy of the book from the author for my honest opinion.

Joe is still trying to deal with life as a vampire and is learning to cope. He has found out what it means to really love someone to the point where you would kill for them. Cassandra with Joe's help of course has finally killed her creator and husband, John Snow. Joe was chosen specifically by Cassandra to be turned into a vampire for this very reason. Joe and Cassandra think that they are safe now with John out of their lives. But they find out that John has created another vampire, Donald whom John has sent to kill Joe and Cassandra.

Of course Joe and Cassandra do not know about this Donald guy until they are approached by a member of the vampire council. They are approached by the Countess and she sends them to find Donald and kill him. Donald was a very bad, evil person as a human and is a whole lot more evil as a vampire. Naturally he is a lot stronger and can get by with more things than before because of his new special vampire abilities.

Donald does not like women at all not that he is gay or doesn't like women in that way. But what I mean is that he thinks that all women are whores and should be punished and killed. I don't know what happened to Donald as a child but I would assume that something real bad happened to him but that may not always be the case. But I would like to know if that is the case with Donald. You know like what makes him hate women so bad. How can anyone be so evil? How can their heart be so cruel?

The council tells Cassandra and Joe where Donald is so they start out on their journey to find him. They take a train to travel to their destination but unfortunately they are told to get off the train before they reach their destination. They are told about someone that is killing women with the same MO as Donald uses. So they get off the train and go find this vampire that is killing women. They find him in a church and he has a woman there with him using her as bait to draw them there so that he can kill them. Although he gives them a good fight and does damage to their bodies in the end he is no match for the two of them as a team Joe and Cassandra are a couple of good fighters. Cassandra and Joe kill Donald and then they head back home well you know to live happily ever after.

Joe finds out a lot more than he wants to know about his new girlfriend Cassandra on this little trip. While watching her to some of the things she does during their little killing episode of Donald Joe is not sure that she is the person he thought she was or maybe he is not the person he thought he was either. Joe wants to spend some time alone for a while to figure out if he can live the life that he thinks Cassandra wants him to live. Or maybe he just needs time to figure out who this new Joe is and learn how to be this new person that he has become.

I have enjoyed reading book #2 Killer on the Road in The Newfoundland Vampire series and hope that I get to read more about all of the characters in the series. I loved, loved reading about different fictional characters or people through history that was a vampire. It would be really cool if vampires were real and you found out that a lot of people you knew were really vampires. I thought this part was really awesome. I would like to read more about other famous people being vampires. The Newfoundland Vampires Series is one really cool series and if you are a vampire fan then you don't want to miss reading this series. Because Joe and Cassandra will take you on the best ride of your life and have you fantasying about being a vampire too.



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The Newfoundland Vampire
Book One:
Charles O'Keefe

Genre: Horror
Paranormal
Vampire

Publisher: Penumbra Publishing

ISBN: 978-1935563853
ASIN: B007TRWUCS

Number of pages: 224
Word Count: 86,737

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Amazon UK Chapters



Book Description:

Like every other geek alive, Newfoundland native Joseph O'Reily secretly wants to be a superhero. At thirteen he fantasized about being a vampire, and ten years later he's still fantasizing - but mostly about a beautiful redheaded woman who has eyes only for him. The one thing different about Joseph's adult fantasy is that, amazingly, it comes true one night when he goes to a local university pub. Cassandra Snow, literally the woman of his dreams, invites him to her place for an evening of personal pleasure. Of course he's not going to say no. But when strange things start happening afterward, Joseph quickly learns that not all dreams should come true.



Read My Review of The Newfoundland Vampire here.



About the Author:

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Charles O'Keefe lives in the beautiful province of Newfoundland, Canada, with his wife and two feline 'children,' Jude and Esther.

He works in IT support and enjoys many hobbies and activities that include writing, reading, watching fantasy/science-fiction movies and television shows, gaming, poker, walking, Pilates, and of course fantasizing about vampires.

To find out more about Charles, go to Twitter and Facebook or visit his website.

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Promo Blitz: The Shadow Soul By Kaitlyn Davis @daviskaitlyn @NereydaG1003


The Shadow Soul (A Dance of Dragons, #1)
Release Date: 02/20/14

Release Date:
GAME OF THRONES meets GRACELING in a new fantasy series by bestselling author Kaitlyn Davis.

Jinji has been haunted by the death of her twin brother for ten years. Now, on the dawn of her joining, the nightmare that claimed him has returned for her.

Prince Whylrhen is determined to prevent the past from repeating itself. His kingdom is expecting a new heir, and he will stop at nothing to keep the child safe.

Though they've never met, the two share a deep secret-magic. Jinji can weave the elements to create master illusions and Whylrhen can pull burning flames into his flesh. But neither of them knows what they are truly capable of until a chance encounter brings them together. For their story has played out before, in a long forgotten time-an age of myth that is about to be reborn…

**On-Sale February 20th, 2014!**


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Excerpt:

The Shadow Soul - Chapter 1

A shadow was just the absence of light, a spot the sun could not reach. It was empty. But floating below her, drifting and dancing along the landscape, her shadow seemed full-not a reflection, but an impostor.

She pumped her leathery wings. The shadow did too.

She dipped closer to the trees. The shadow condensed, its points sharpening to match the outline of her body.

She arched up, farther into the cloudless sky. The shadow expanded and lost focus, rippling over the pointed trees below.

Enough, she thought, gliding with the wind. Time for food. She focused on the horizon, spotting a deeper blue against the sky. Her mouth watered.

Keeping her eyes on the ground, she watched as forest gave way to rocks that cut deep into the sea, a molten sapphire speckled with white. She swerved left along the shore, focusing on the cerulean expanse of the reef, searching for movement.

There.

The lazy undulation of a fin.

She dove, jaws widening.

A black shape flicked into her peripheral vision. She turned.

Bright white eyes opened in the darkness. Jaws clamped around her neck. She reached out with her claws, sinking razor-sharp nails into the invader's flesh.

They fell as one, smacking into the water, a mass of light and dark, plummeting below the surface. The jaws tightened. Her vision condensed. Air slowed.

They continued to descend deeper and deeper into the shadows, to the part of the world the sun could not penetrate, where the darkness gained a life of its own…

Jinji awoke with a start, gasping for air and clutching her aching chest. Her lungs screamed. Her mind fought to escape the daze. She blinked, but the darkness would not recede, even as her memory ignited.

It was the same dream. A dream she had only had once before but would never forget. A dream that was somehow more.

Another blink and a soft orange light leaked into her vision. She looked up through the smoke circle in the roof, toward the sky.

Dawn.

Jinji stood, throwing her furs to the side and stepping quietly past her mother and father. Soft dirt muted her steps, and her parents didn't stir as she crossed the small expanse of their home. Lifting the pelt aside, she stepped into the morning mist and began to run. Her feet followed the path along the longhouse, past the rest of her sleeping tribe and into the forest beyond. No thought was necessary-she had taken this path too many times before.

Besides, concentration was beyond her. Jinji's thoughts had drifted out of the world and into her memories, all the way back to her brother.

Janu, her heart cried softly, remembering him.

The last time she dreamed that dream had been on the eve of his death-what did it mean that it had happened again, a decade later on the dawn of her joining?

Jinji stopped.

She had reached the clearing, her sacred haven. A place shared only with her closest friend Leoa. Away from the game and too close to the outside world for anyone else in her tribe to discover-this place was their secret. The only place two girls could talk away from the attentive ears of the elders and the only place she could go to truly escape.

Jinji fell to her knees and opened her eyes wide, searching the air for something only she could find. She looked along the ground, over the flecks of dew spotting the grass, along the twining roots, up the rough bark and over her head toward the clouds.

There.

A shimmer. A dull glow. And now that she saw it, the light brightened and Jinji smiled. The spirits were still there for her.

For as long as she could remember, Jinji could see them. Everywhere. In everything. Minute strands of green, red, yellow, and blue, twining together to create the world. Earth, air, water, and fire spirits hidden in plain sight for no one but Jinji to see, and sometimes they tried hiding even from her. But not today. Not when she needed them.

Jinji studied the weaving strands, looking through the intricate patterns she would never begin to understand. And there she saw what she had truly been searching for: the space between the elements, the pure white wisps binding the colorful strands together-the mother spirit, the source of everything.

Jinjiajanu.

That was the name her people gave it. Her brother and she were named for it. But as far as Jinji knew, she was the only one who could manipulate it.

Closing her eyes, Jinji cupped her hands into a ball, envisioning the pearly glow between the strands of air she had trapped.

Jinjiajanu, she thought. The image changed to that of a face that was stolen ten years before. Jinjiajanu. Bring Janu back to me-bring my other half back.

She opened her hands, facing them out toward the open air, keeping her eyes closed, using her memory to draw a picture in the wind. His tanned skin, the color of freshly exposed bark. His deep brown irises set in wide eyes and framed with full lashes. His smile, always mischievous and often taking over the whole expanse of his face.

She imagined him taller and broader than he had been as a boy, with muscles hardened from long hunts. The frame of a sixteen-year-old man. The frame of her twin as he would be if he were standing with her today.

After a minute, Jinji dropped her hands and let her eyes ease open. No matter how many times she wove the illusion, her heart stopped at the sight and a lump caught in her throat. Janu. How I miss you.

Jinji rose and standing next to her, vivid as a real man but unnaturally still, was her brother. Her fingers brushed his, passing through his hand, as she knew they would. He was, after all, an illusion made of spirits. But still, she always tried to touch him, hoping to meet resistance just once.

Jinji could manipulate jinjiajanu, but no one could bring the dead back to life.

"Janu," she said softly, pleading. "What are you trying to tell me?"

But there was no answer. She could make his lips move, could make it look as though he were alive, but this wasn't her brother.

Jinji let the illusion fall and, in the blink of an eye, it had disappeared. The elemental spirits snapped back into their proper place, and their subtle glow faded out. She was alone once more with only the trees to keep her company.

A knot hardened in her stomach, a sense of fear she couldn't dislodge.

The last time she dreamed of the shadow, she had woken in a fright and turned to rouse her brother only to find him missing from their shared pallet. Immediately, she shook her father awake. Using his authority as chief, he woke the hunters and charged into the woods. But the minute she had turned to see Janu missing, Jinji knew that he was gone forever. When the hunters returned holding the carcass of a great bear followed by her father cradling a pouch that dripped with blood, she had fallen to the ground-devastated but not surprised. She heard her mother wail and felt the ground rumble as she dropped, but Jinji's eyes saw only a great shadow waiting to swallow her whole.

And now it had returned. On the day she was meant to be joined with Maniuk, to be named the future leaders of their people, the Arpapajo tribe-the last remaining oldworlders.

Dread rippled down her limbs.

What did it all mean?


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About the Author
I've always been a writer. I grew up duct taping my novels together, started writing complete manuscripts in high school and studied creative writing at Johns Hopkins University. Upon graduating, I decided it was finally time to actually give my dream career a chance. So, of course, I started writing a young adult paranormal romance series -- and no, I'm not jumping on the bandwagon. I've been a true paranormal supporter for my entire life! I blame my obsession almost completely on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my all-time favorite television show. And, before you ask: Yes, I own every season... even the post WB ones! I especially challenge anyone to watch the first three seasons and not fall in love with Angel, securing a lifelong love of vampires! Other culprits of my paranormal obsession are some of my favorite authors: JK Rowling, Raymond Feist, Meg Cabot, Richelle Mead, Lynne Ewing and Tamora Pierce.

Author Links:
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GIVEAWAY:
2 print copies of The Shadow Soul (US only)
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Promo Blitz: Blunder Woman By Tanya Eby @Blunder_Woman @RABTBookTours




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Blunder Woman - PROMO Blitz
By Tanya Eby
Contemporary Romance / Chick Lit / Women's Fiction / Romantic Comedy
Date Published: 1/15/2014
Chloe Knaggs is a bit of a nerd, a bit of a klutz, and all Blunder Woman, especially when it comes to love. Take the love of her life, Matt M. - or as she calls him - Mmm. He's her consummate unboyfriend, meaning, they have all the intimacy of a dating couple without any of the intimacy. Confused? So is Chloe. When Matt decides to elope with the very beautiful, svelte Amber, Chloe goes a little bit crazy and takes her hippy mom and best friend Megan right along with her.

Blunder Woman is a hilarious romp with bright characters through a series of misadventures including a derby party gone horribly wrong, a night of drinking Flaming Turtles, and a fundraising event where the biggest blunder of all occurs. Blunder Woman is funny, fresh, and above all real...in a truly awkward way.

WARNING: "Blunder Woman" will make you snort out loud so drinking while reading is not recommended.

EXCERPT

Two

A Brief (but not brief enough) History About Matt

I met Matt at a group training camp, you know those places to which companies take their awkward employees--employees who don't get along and work better on their own. So the Company makes everyone go to a weekend long 'retreat' which is really a weekend long house-arrest without the little ankle bracelets.
I've done these things before.

You have the group leader and you're locked in a room with your 'teammates' (or office workers who usually you have nothing to say to), and then the group leader leads you in an exercise of trust…usually something like falling backwards from a high perch and hoping to God your coworkers catch you. It's supposed to teach you about trust and the importance of working as a team, but I don't think it translates at all. During one of these exercises, I actually spend most of the time obsessing about how much I don't trust my coworkers and how very little I want to fall into their arms. But I digress.

I didn't want to go to the stupid Employee Esteem Training but I had to. I'd just been hired part-time at the musical society to write grants and organize fundraisers and I had to show that I was part of the team, a real go-getter, a team player. (More on this musical society later. Work is important, but right now I'm talking about the love of my life.) So the team-building thing was mandatory. No go, no job, end of story. So I was very pleased to walk into the Wedgwood Center (a.k.a. The Happy Place) and see a very handsome and very male individual standing in the center of the room, arms open and smiling. Sex appeal came off of him in waves, the way the scent of Axe deodorant pours off high school boys.

I can tell you what he looks like, but it doesn't do him justice. Descriptions never do, you just end up envisioning a freakish monster with whatever hair and eye color I've described and try to think it's sexy. So instead of saying he was tall and had dirty blonde hair and a wide smile (words that don't really describe him at all), I'll say instead that he was a mixture of Jason Bateman of Arrested Development quirkiness, with a Harrison Ford grin, and a body (I imagine) just like an oiled-up man posing in Glamour's Hot Guy of the Month. This was Matt: sensitive, sexy, warm, sexy, open, funny, sexy, tall, ripped, sexy, and a smile that made me feel like he was looking just at me, even if he was looking at everyone the same way. And he was sexy. Did I say that? Like the kind of guy that should reproduce because, duh, that's what we're designed for, right?

I should have known I was in trouble right there. A man you're attracted to somehow makes your brain stop working. It's some kind of alien power, I'm sure of it. Attraction equals instant stupidity.

And when he opened his arms and welcomed us, I was ready to do any stupid trust exercise he asked, including the high wire walk between trees, which I did, all the while screaming, "I hate this! I can't do this! Get me out of this tree!!!" Then I looked down at Matt and felt, somehow, I could do anything. Blammo. He suddenly became my rock, my force, and the new obsession of my life.

Two days later, I called him at his work. I called at 6:30 on a Sunday, certain he wouldn't be there, and he wasn't, thank the Gods, so I left a truly awkward message.

"Hi! Matt! This is Chloe!" My voice was so tight and peppy it sounded like I was on helium. "Oh. Chloe from that group you just had, you know, Mozart fundraiser go-go-go! I was the one with the curly shortish reddish hair, the one who talked a lot, the one who screamed 'FOR GODDSAKES GET ME OUT OF THIS TREE!!!' Yeah. So I was wondering if you'd like to go out for coffee with me? Scratch that. I don't drink coffee, but maybe you do. You could get coffee and I could get something else. Tea maybe. Probably hot chocolate. Or maybe just water. And a scone. I like scones. Do you like scones? Yeah. So. I'd like to meet you. For an un-coffee. Okey-dokey? Okay."

Not only had I actually said "Okey-dokey", I also hung up without leaving my number. I had to call back and leave another message that I knew he'd get before the previous message so I basically had to repeat the entire thing. It was terrible.
He called me Monday morning.

We had uncoffee on Tuesday. Followed by unlunch (I was too nervous to eat) and an unwalk (we sat on a park bench and talked). I thought, I've found him. He's the One, and leaned in to kiss him. He answered a call on his phone. It was his mom. At the end of our 'date' he hugged me to him, told me he loved spending time with me, that I was unlike anyone he'd ever met.
I'd been in love with him ever since.

I've loved him for two years. Two years of incredible conversations and 'undates'. Of having dinner together, and movies, and celebrating each other's birthday parties. Two years of meeting him for uncoffees and having unsex (meaning elaborate sex fantasies only in my mind), of being at his beck and call. Two years of celebrating holidays not on the holiday, but near it. Of talking about our daily lives on the phone or while curled up watching a movie. And when I stop to think about it, two years of never meeting his friends, never meeting his family, and never, not ever, meeting his penis.

I've loved him for two years. Two! I probably love him still. And I hate his guts for that. Really. I do.

 photo Tanya20Eby20Author20_zps600b4206.pngTanya Eby

Tanya Eby is an audiobook narrator and novelist living in Grand Rapids, Michigan with her tiki-obsessed husband and two quirky kids.






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Email: Tanya@tanyaeby.com

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